So here I am, almost 26 years old, I do not have much direction in my life and have no idea what my future will entail. Probably like most people my age. I have trouble being ok with that, since I was raised from childhood to think I always needed a plan. If I didn’t plan, things wouldn’t work and I’d be … well… I guess somewhere “bad”. Was never quite clear where I’d end up without planning! Ironically, planning hasn’t taken me anywhere either.
I have been working the same job for 6 years now (well not technically the same job, I’ve advanced, but have been at the same place). I hope to leave there next Spring after I graduate from college (for the second time), but I do not know where to go. There is a lot of the world I want to see. I do not know how to finance my adventures, and I am uncertain that I can make much money independently.
I consistently feel both that I can do anything I want and nothing I want. It is confusing. I am afraid to take chances, terrified I will get myself into trouble somehow, and often feel as if I do not give my best. I am not sure what it will take in life to consider myself a success, or to alleviate my fear of taking chances. Perhaps getting out there more – I have lived in the same city my entire life, though I’ve traveled I have little experience. Hell, I have never even pumped gas for my car because it is illegal in my State.
That is so trivial – but for me it makes me feel silly and consequently afraid to put myself out there, into the world, which is full of those we judge and who judge alike. Perhaps I have a touch of depression, some type of OCD, or paranoid schizophrenia, all of which run in the family. A distrust of doctors does as well, so no, I haven’t been to see anyone about any of it and likely never will, unless I’m ordered there by law.
So, this rut I am in now, how will I pull myself out of it? I’d enjoy to start making more videos – I don’t feel like I get enough of those done (I know you will tell me I do, but it’s also the quality I’m concerned about – I can do better than what I am doing now).
I’d really like to work on the LP magazine, but given my (to say the least) pathetic skill with graphics, I cannot do a thing with it except text/embed video. I want to try and deliver something as promised, and to show in some small way to those who submitted work that I value that. I am not sure when I will be able to do this.
I skipped my Sunday Vlog this week but it doesn’t matter, as I realized right before I wrote this post. Sunday Vlog doesn’t have to mean every Sunday. I had nothing to talk about, really, for this week. So we will leave it to next week.
Thank you so much to those who read and comment this blog, it makes me glad that I continue to write in it and helps me feel like there are those who enjoy my channel enough to pay attention to everything I put into it. You have absolutely no idea how valuable that is to me, it keeps me going with my projects when I otherwise might easily give up.