Lately, I have been learning just how important confidence is as a factor in advancement in life. It’s not just intelligence, looks, wealth, motivational drive or luck that propels one from mediocre to great in life – a lot of it has to do with self-confidence. Most people lack this tremendously. The automatic response in most people is to shy away from responsibility, danger, or stress. Those with self-confidence face these things head on, sometimes even with enthusiasm. They are anxious to show off what they are capable of. 

Does the confidence have to be linked with skill? Not necessarily. However, skill tends to advance more readily (in any area) when one is also confident. As the old saying goes, “whether you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you’re right.” (OK I heard that on Family Guy, but I’m sure it has some connection to an office motivational poster.)

Perhaps I am just speaking out of my butt, but I want to believe that confidence is the key to getting anything done that you want to get done. People enjoy to hear a confident person speak. In times of uncertainty, they want a confident person to point them in the right direction. I am not sure I will ever be a leadership level of confident. I suffer from pretty severe anxiety which, although not debilitating, means I awkward my way through social interactions and dispel any illusion of self-confidence one might have of me. 

Social relationships in general are definitely not my thing. I feel I should adopt some other thing to perfect. Physical fitness is high on the list, since someone once told me that physical confidence and ability leads directly to a higher social confidence and ability. I’ve yet to test this theory – while I do not consider myself “out of shape”, I for certain have a long way to go to reach my potential strength and ability.

There are a myriad of things I am good at but nothing that I am an expert on. That being said, it cycles back to my previous post of being lost in life, stuck in a rut. I think what might boost me out of the rut is a little self-confidence, some idea that I am capable of whatever it is I decide I want to do. I’ve been trying to work on this all my life with slow growing success (you would not believe how utterly socially undeveloped I was as a child), so perhaps I will have a “break through” soon, or perhaps this slow progress will continue. Either would be fine – I simply want to move forward whether it be little by little or in a great leap.


Being “stuck” in life

So here I am, almost 26 years old, I do not have much direction in my life and have no idea what my future will entail. Probably like most people my age. I have trouble being ok with that, since I was raised from childhood to think I always needed a plan. If I didn’t plan, things wouldn’t work and I’d be … well… I guess somewhere “bad”. Was never quite clear where I’d end up without planning! Ironically, planning hasn’t taken me anywhere either.

I have been working the same job for 6 years now (well not technically the same job, I’ve advanced, but have been at the same place). I hope to leave there next Spring after I graduate from college (for the second time), but I do not know where to go. There is a lot of the world I want to see. I do not know how to finance my adventures, and I am uncertain that I can make much money independently. 

I consistently feel both that I can do anything I want and nothing I want. It is confusing. I am afraid to take chances, terrified I will get myself into trouble somehow, and often feel as if I do not give my best. I am not sure what it will take in life to consider myself a success, or to alleviate my fear of taking chances. Perhaps getting out there more – I have lived in the same city my entire life, though I’ve traveled I have little experience. Hell, I have never even pumped gas for my car because it is illegal in my State. 

That is so trivial – but for me it makes me feel silly and consequently afraid to put myself out there, into the world, which is full of those we judge and who judge alike. Perhaps I have a touch of depression, some type of OCD, or paranoid schizophrenia, all of which run in the family. A distrust of doctors does as well, so no, I haven’t been to see anyone about any of it and likely never will, unless I’m ordered there by law.

So, this rut I am in now, how will I pull myself out of it? I’d enjoy to start making more videos – I don’t feel like I get enough of those done (I know you will tell me I do, but it’s also the quality I’m concerned about – I can do better than what I am doing now). 

I’d really like to work on the LP magazine, but given my (to say the least) pathetic skill with graphics, I cannot do a thing with it except text/embed video. I want to try and deliver something as promised, and to show in some small way to those who submitted work that I value that. I am not sure when I will be able to do this.

I skipped my Sunday Vlog this week but it doesn’t matter, as I realized right before I wrote this post. Sunday Vlog doesn’t have to mean every Sunday. I had nothing to talk about, really, for this week. So we will leave it to next week. 

Thank you so much to those who read and comment this blog, it makes me glad that I continue to write in it and helps me feel like there are those who enjoy my channel enough to pay attention to everything I put into it. You have absolutely no idea how valuable that is to me, it keeps me going with my projects when I otherwise might easily give up.

Life Update

So what has been going on with me ? I haven’t done a blog post in 2 weeks! The handful of you who check the blog regularly and were promised weekly updates are possibly outraged. But I know you are more understanding than that. Please don’t throw tomatoes. I am putting up a tomato shield just in case.

…OK, you have either thrown something at your PC screen (haha) or had a chuckle, or simply written me off as a weirdo. Now I’ll tell you why I’ve not updated the blog. I do not have an excuse. Here is what I do during the summer:
I do not attend classes, because the government and university will not give me grant money during the summer. And I am not spending all of my hard earned cash on education. Most of the year I attend classes full time, taking about 16 credit hours per term. I also work part time about 15 hours per week. In the summer my employer was only able to increase my hours to 25 – 30 per week. I make a bit more money but half the week I have very little to do. Finding a second job is a possibility, but then I’d have to quit when classes started. So I don’t do that.
I like to travel with my savings during the summer. Last year I went to Europe, so this year I could only afford a plane ticket to Texas. I won’t be going until next month.
I’ve had a few other money-making endeavours, including partnering my YouTube channel, and pet sitting on occasion. Why am I telling you all this?

Well, here is the thing about me: I get kinda depressed when I do not have a whole lot of things to do. Projects, and work distract me from other things about life that I dislike. When I do not have enough work, what I should do is make gaming videos. But since I get depressed, I do not feel like doing that. I want to get out of the house, but I do not have a lot of places to go. So I buy things, and then get annoyed with myself when the house has a lot of clutter. Although it is nice clutter that I like.

Blog posts do not get created when you’ve spent the day wandering around, picking fruit and racing the dog, then sitting inside watching YouTube and Internet shopping. When I make a blog post I feel it has to be interesting. But perhaps not. Only a few people check this, so maybe it doesn’t matter to you what you read as long as it is a new thing to read.

Now I feel as though I am rambling, so this will be a short one. Maybe I can come up with an amusing anecdotal story for next time. Or…more likely forget.

Modding Skyrim for a Roleplay

For the past 2 days, I’ve spent a fair amount of time modding Skyrim for (far in the future) plans to do an LP of it in a Roleplay style. The modding is difficult.

Initially you can set up Skyrim how you want with 7 or 8 mods to make it more beautiful, more difficult, or more complex. It will work fine. You’ll play a few months. Then all the mods will be messed up by an update to Skyrim, or you will need to update Skyrim for mods to keep working, or SKSE (script extender required for most mods) will fall behind and not be available to run with the current Skyrim update. You can turn off automatic updates but then when you go to update mods or SKSE they won’t work with the version of Skyrim you have. After a few hours in which you come across 7 or 8 more mods that you want to use as well, all of your mods are updated to the current version. You go into Skyrim. It crashes. You change the load order around. You go into Skyrim. It runs. You are out of time to play since you spent so much time modding.

Right now I have well over 25 mods for Skyrim (I’m far too lazy to actually count how many I’m using). It doesn’t seem like a lot, but with that many there can be enough compatibility issues that you can’t really tell what is working and what isn’t. I’d enjoy getting Requiem to work, but unfortunately doesn’t seem compatible with many of the other mods I have. Skyrim Redone is fine but the “ReProccer” patch doesn’t work for me – no matter what I do it will not detect that I have SkyRe_Main.esp in my load order. So I can’t use my Immersive Armor and Weapons mods with it.

The madness and troubleshooting will continue until I narrow down which combination of mods play happy with each other and get the game set up the way I feel it’ll be best to play as a Roleplay. So, yea, a Skyrim LP of mine is coming. I do not know when, but I can tell you it’ll be after I have finished a few of my other LPs. IF I ever manage to get out of modding construction and play the actual game!